The Gaucho Gazette

The Gaucho Gazette

VOL. XVIII  ·  NO. 0 WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 9, 2026PRESEASON EDITION

RECEIVING STOLEN GOODS

Tommy spent $106 of his $200 on two receivers, then filled seven more starting slots out of the bargain bin for $67. It is the widest gap in the league.

By the Gazette's Fantasy Desk

Tommy paid $54 for Amon-Ra St. Brown and $52 for Puka Nacua on the fourth of September, better than half his budget on two wide receivers. Seven managers watched him do it and presumably filed it under reckless. He then added Rashee Rice for $7, and his three starting receivers now project 54.7 points a week, nearly fifteen clear of the next best corps in the league.

The rest of his lineup cost $67. Trevor Lawrence, who projects 22.7 and is the highest-projected quarterback in this league, went to him for $3. Caleb Williams, who starts in the OFF slot at 20.3, cost $7. Tucker Kraft at tight end cost $2. Patrick Mahomes, at $5, cannot get into the lineup at all and will spend Sunday on the bench.

It adds up to 147.6 points this week and 148.6 across the season, near enough ten a week clear of the field, and 85.6 percent to reach the playoffs. Jake projects 139.3 and Chin 137.6. Draitser projects 119.5 and opens at 18.9 percent. The four managers in the middle are separated by eight points of probability, which is to say not separated at all.

THIS WEEK

The battles

Updated Thu 10 Sep, 9:31 a.m. PDT
Projection
Johnny 132.3
Gibbs me that Nut

Projected

  1. GibbsDET23.7
  2. PurdySF21.1
  3. HenryBAL19.1
AI Hefe 125.9
AI Hefe

Projected

  1. RobinsonATL19.5
  2. MayfieldTB17.6
  3. McBrideARI16.4

Johnny by 6.4

Projection
Chin 135.5
Chin Dynasty

Projected

  1. AllenBUF24.0
  2. TaylorIND22.3
  3. HurtsPHI21.7
Tommy 147.5
DoubleGs4Me

Projected

  1. LawrenceJAX22.7
  2. NacuaLAR22.1
  3. WilliamsCHI20.3

Tommy by 12.0

Projection
Jake 141.0
Substation Superhumans

Projected

  1. Smith-NjigbaSEA24.7
  2. GoffDET21.0
  3. HerbertLAC20.8
Draitser 122.4
Can I Burrow A Sandwich

Projected

  1. PrescottDAL21.2
  2. BurrowCIN19.3
  3. AchaneMIA19.2

Jake by 18.6

Projection
Spencer 127.8
Jed’s Big Orange Suit and Lil Blue Balls

Projected

  1. JacksonBAL18.2
  2. CookBUF18.1
  3. MayeNE17.7
Mau 122.6
Tacolicios

Projected

  1. McCaffreySF22.4
  2. DartNYG18.2
  3. DanielsWAS15.7

Spencer by 5.2

Live scoring refreshes every 30 seconds.

Scores & standings, week by week →

HEAD TO HEAD

Updated Thu 10 Sep, 9:31 a.m. PDT
All-time record between the clubs meeting this week, across every season on file. Averages are points per meeting. Tap a row for the last five meetings.
This weekRecordMtgs AvgLeads

THE TABLE

Current standings

Updated Thu 10 Sep, 9:31 a.m. PDT
The league's own standings, taken from the app once a night. Playoff line after fourth. Shaded brown: the two currently headed for the Toilet Bowl — worst record against lowest points for, which is not the same as the bottom two here.
#ManagerRec PFPA
1TommyDoubleGs4Me0–00.00.0
2DraitserCan I Burrow A Sandwich0–00.00.0
3JakeSubstation Superhumans0–00.00.0
4ChinChin Dynasty0–00.00.0
5AI HefeAI Hefe0–00.00.0
6JohnnyGibbs me that Nut0–00.00.0
7MauTacolicios0–00.00.0
8SpencerJed’s Big Orange Suit and Lil Blue Balls0–00.00.0

Scores & standings, week by week →

THE PROJECTION

Where they’ll finish

Updated Thu 10 Sep, 9:31 a.m. PDT
#ManagerProj. W–L FinishPlayoff oddsToilet
1 TommyDoubleGs4Me 9.1–4.9 2.34 88% 2%
2 JakeSubstation Superhumans 8.0–6.0 3.40 72% 8%
3 JohnnyGibbs me that Nut 7.3–6.7 4.17 57% 17%
4 ChinChin Dynasty 7.1–6.9 4.28 54% 17%
5 SpencerJed’s Big Orange Suit and Lil Blue Balls 6.8–7.2 4.74 45% 26%
6 AI HefeAI Hefe 6.1–7.9 5.42 32% 38%
7 MauTacolicios 6.0–8.0 5.47 31% 38%
8 DraitserCan I Burrow A Sandwich 5.4–8.6 6.16 20% 55%
Probability of each final seed, in percent. Twenty thousand simulations. Darker is likelier. The rule after the fourth column is the playoff line. Finishing seventh or eighth does not by itself mean the Toilet Bowl - see below.
Manager12345678
Tommy44%22%13%9%6%4%2%1%
Jake19%21%17%14%11%8%6%3%
Johnny11%15%16%16%14%12%10%7%
Chin10%14%15%15%14%13%11%8%
Spencer7%11%13%14%15%15%14%11%
AI Hefe4%7%9%12%14%16%19%19%
Mau4%7%9%12%15%16%18%20%
Draitser2%4%6%8%11%16%21%32%

THE TOILET BOWL

Draitser has been here before

Updated Thu 10 Sep, 9:31 a.m. PDT
The Toilet Bowl takes the worst record and the lowest points for - usually two different clubs. Where one club is both, the second-worst record takes the other place. Chances from 20,000 simulated seasons; the two middle columns are the odds of arriving by each route, and they need not sum to the total.
ManagerProj. wins Worst recLow PF In the Toilet Bowl
Draitser5.432%34%55%
Mau6.020%18%38%
AI Hefe6.119%19%38%
Spencer6.811%13%26%
Johnny7.37%7%17%
Chin7.18%5%17%
Jake8.03%3%8%
Tommy9.11%0%2%
Record after Week 1, and how often it ends in the Toilet Bowl. Simulated is across the same 20,000 seasons. In this league is what has actually happened, rebuilt from every regular-season result on file across the 9 seasons in which the league recorded one.
After Wk 1Simulated In this league
0–134.8%26%11 of 42
1–015.2%17%7 of 42
The other seat goes on points, not record. Where a club sat in points for after Week 1, and how often that ended in the Toilet Bowl. Two buckets rather than eight places: at nine seasons a single rank is a coin flip, and the seat only ever goes to the very bottom.
After Wk 1Simulated In this league
Bottom two in points41.0%28%5 of 18
Everyone else19.7%20%13 of 66

Record & history

Career trips, and how many were lost. Losing is the one that carries a punishment.
ManagerTripsLost
Draitser41
AI Hefe32
Mau32
Tommy20
Patrick Carrington (former)11
Spencer11
Stefan McGovern (former)11
Chin11
The sentence handed down, by year.
YearLoserPunishment
2025AI HefeSexy Calendar
2024AI HefeBHT
2023MauDunk tank for 3 hours (completed in 2024 — dressed as a bunny rabbit and hunted 7-on-1 in paintball)
2022Patrick CarringtonRun a 10K in a speedo
2021SpencerPublic street perform until you earn $50 or 3 hours pass
2020Stefan McGovernGo to a fancy dinner with a blow-up doll
2019ChinDo a stand-up comedy routine
2018MauEnter an eating contest
2017DraitserRun for public office

THE WIRE

Top waiver targets

Updated Thu 10 Sep, 9:31 a.m. PDT

Claim a player in the league app →

#PlayerOppProjSeason avgLast wk
1Jones INDBAL19.00.00.0
2Wentz MINGB14.90.00.0
3Watson CLE@JAX14.70.00.0
4Brissett ARI@LAC14.60.00.0
5Fields KCDEN14.60.00.0
6Winston NYGDAL13.70.00.0
7Young CARCHI13.50.00.0

Unrostered players ranked by projected points for the coming week, from the same model as the rest of the paper. Opponent is this week's matchup. Season average and last week's score are what a player has actually done, and stay at zero until games have been played. Hover or tap an injury tag for where it hurts.

BOOMS & BUSTS

Booms and Busts returns next Tuesday, once there are games to report.

THE MOVERS

Nobody has moved yet, but the schedule already has an opinion

Updated Thu 10 Sep, 9:31 a.m. PDT

This is the first issue, so there is nothing to have risen or fallen from. Movement tracking starts tomorrow, and from then on this column reports who gained and lost ground since the last edition and by how much.

What can be said today is who the schedule has been unkind to. Draitser draws the toughest slate in the league, facing opponents who project 132.3 points a week on average. Tommy draws the softest at 128.9, and since he is also the strongest team in the projection, the schedule has compounded an advantage rather than offsetting it.

The spread is only 3.4 points from hardest to easiest, which over fourteen games is worth about half a win. Nobody should blame the fixture list yet. Ask again in November.

ManagerPlayoffChgProj chg
Jake72%+11.9+4.9
AI Hefe32%+6.5+3.4
Johnny57%+5.2+2.5
Tommy88%+2.3+3.2
Draitser20%+0.7+1.6
Chin54%-3.7-2.3
Mau31%-9.4+0.3
Spencer45%-13.5-4.1
Change in playoff odds and projected weekly points since the last issue.
Notes on the projection — how these numbers are made, and what has not been checked →